Finished another book
15 years ago
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Feelings put into words...
So I'm reading this book titled, HOW I STAYED ALIVE WHEN MY BRAIN WAS TRYING TO KILL ME (by Susan Rose Blauner) One Person's Guide to Suicide Prevention.
I love love love this book so far. It has hit so much on the mark. The author has put into words what I have struggled putting into words for so long now.
This is crucial to share with others because I feel there may be others out there struggling the same as I have and as this author has in the past... and these words, having them right in front of me, breaks it all down into pieces so I may begin to work on each thing one by one. And it makes it easier to show to someone else and say, "See, here it is, this is exactly how I've been feeling only I didn't know how to put it into words."
Here's what I want to share:
..."Okay. We know that most suicidal thinkers don't want to die, they want relief from emotional pain. And we know that thoughts and feelings are just electrochemical impulses in the brain--the famous neutron superhighway. We also know it is possible to outthink the brain and find relief.
To make sense of life and how I reacted to it, I had to figure out my brain style--how my brain processed information. "Brain style" may be a strange expression, but it's the best way I know to pinpoint the culprit of suicidal thoughts. It's all in the brain.
This was my brain style:
1. An event would trigger certain feelings. These events could be as small as losing my address book or as big as having trouble in a love relationship. It didn't matter. Because of the PTSD, borderline personality disorder, and depression, nearly everything held the same weight.
2. Usually I would have a one- to two-day delayed reaction.
3. Suddenly feelings would surface, but I wouldn't know exactly what they were. I would quickly become overwhelmed, and the feelings would turn into anger.
4. Without a healthy outlet for anger, I would start to detach from myself mentally--from the feelings and/or the event (called "splitting"). Typically I would get very tired, and my mental state would become fuzzy.
5. The anger would begin to turn inward. Detachment would intensify until I lost my sense of self completely (my feelings snowballed). I felt isolated from everyone and everything. The world became good or bad, positive or negative. There was no gray area. All-or-nothing thinking would take charge.
6. Eventually I would feel so lost and angry that my thoughts would shift to suicide. It was the only way I knew to release the emotion. And in those moments it seemed to me to be the only way I could connect with myself.
It took twenty-five years or more to develop this style, so it didn't change overnight. Slowly I had to pick apart the cycle. I figured out my triggers, learned how to stop my feelings from snowballing, and became willing to make new choices and stick to them.
Most people don't have to think about how they deal with life. Suicidal thinkers do. Other people know it feels good to run a mile, look at their stamp collection, meditate, build a birdhouse, garden, do a crossword puzzle. They do these things instinctively. Their thought process is not: "I feel like shit. I'd better find some way to divert my attention and improve my mood before I fall deeper into despair." Their brain styles allows them to cope with stress and pain, like a car engine having enough gas and oil to keep it running smoothly. My brain was short on gas and low on oil.
By learning and practicing the Tricks of the Trade (in part 3), you'll acquire plenty of choices besides suicide for easing emotional pain. You will find the strength to stop the snowball from rolling you into oblivion. If the snowball starts to roll, you'll know how to get out of the way.
I love love love this book so far. It has hit so much on the mark. The author has put into words what I have struggled putting into words for so long now.
This is crucial to share with others because I feel there may be others out there struggling the same as I have and as this author has in the past... and these words, having them right in front of me, breaks it all down into pieces so I may begin to work on each thing one by one. And it makes it easier to show to someone else and say, "See, here it is, this is exactly how I've been feeling only I didn't know how to put it into words."
Here's what I want to share:
..."Okay. We know that most suicidal thinkers don't want to die, they want relief from emotional pain. And we know that thoughts and feelings are just electrochemical impulses in the brain--the famous neutron superhighway. We also know it is possible to outthink the brain and find relief.
To make sense of life and how I reacted to it, I had to figure out my brain style--how my brain processed information. "Brain style" may be a strange expression, but it's the best way I know to pinpoint the culprit of suicidal thoughts. It's all in the brain.
This was my brain style:
1. An event would trigger certain feelings. These events could be as small as losing my address book or as big as having trouble in a love relationship. It didn't matter. Because of the PTSD, borderline personality disorder, and depression, nearly everything held the same weight.
2. Usually I would have a one- to two-day delayed reaction.
3. Suddenly feelings would surface, but I wouldn't know exactly what they were. I would quickly become overwhelmed, and the feelings would turn into anger.
4. Without a healthy outlet for anger, I would start to detach from myself mentally--from the feelings and/or the event (called "splitting"). Typically I would get very tired, and my mental state would become fuzzy.
5. The anger would begin to turn inward. Detachment would intensify until I lost my sense of self completely (my feelings snowballed). I felt isolated from everyone and everything. The world became good or bad, positive or negative. There was no gray area. All-or-nothing thinking would take charge.
6. Eventually I would feel so lost and angry that my thoughts would shift to suicide. It was the only way I knew to release the emotion. And in those moments it seemed to me to be the only way I could connect with myself.
It took twenty-five years or more to develop this style, so it didn't change overnight. Slowly I had to pick apart the cycle. I figured out my triggers, learned how to stop my feelings from snowballing, and became willing to make new choices and stick to them.
Most people don't have to think about how they deal with life. Suicidal thinkers do. Other people know it feels good to run a mile, look at their stamp collection, meditate, build a birdhouse, garden, do a crossword puzzle. They do these things instinctively. Their thought process is not: "I feel like shit. I'd better find some way to divert my attention and improve my mood before I fall deeper into despair." Their brain styles allows them to cope with stress and pain, like a car engine having enough gas and oil to keep it running smoothly. My brain was short on gas and low on oil.
By learning and practicing the Tricks of the Trade (in part 3), you'll acquire plenty of choices besides suicide for easing emotional pain. You will find the strength to stop the snowball from rolling you into oblivion. If the snowball starts to roll, you'll know how to get out of the way.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Thought for Today
Hope is the power of being cheerful in circumstances that we know to be desperate. Writing can be a pretty desperate endeavor, because it is about some of our deepest needs: our need to be visible, to be heard, our need to make sense of our lives, to wake up and grow and belong. It is no wonder if we sometimes tend to take ourselves perhaps a bit too seriously. So, 'lighten up'.
How true is this? I can certainly relate in many different ways with all I've gone through in the last year and in my life in general, as I'm sure we all can in one way or another. So let's all 'lighten up' and have hope no matter our circumstances. We can do it, my friends. I'm here for you.
How true is this? I can certainly relate in many different ways with all I've gone through in the last year and in my life in general, as I'm sure we all can in one way or another. So let's all 'lighten up' and have hope no matter our circumstances. We can do it, my friends. I'm here for you.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Even GORGEOUS, HAPPY people struggle too
One never knows who is having an inner struggle... this is very recent and dated June 30, 2008. 20 yr old Russian supermodel, Ruslana Korshunova committed suicide:
RUSLANA KORSHUNOVA
Tribute to Ruslana Korshunova
My Dream is to Fly Over the Rainbow So High
Part two. (My Dream is to Fly Over the Rainbow So High)
Ruslana - Sweetest Girl
R.I.P.
RUSLANA KORSHUNOVA
Tribute to Ruslana Korshunova
My Dream is to Fly Over the Rainbow So High
Part two. (My Dream is to Fly Over the Rainbow So High)
Ruslana - Sweetest Girl
R.I.P.
Thoughts for THURSDAY
So I'm reading this book titled Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott and I read this last night:
"...Hope is a revolutionary patience; let me add that so is being a writer. Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up."
After I read this above, I started thinking about it. I decided to name it the 3 W's (wait, watch, work). I began to realize it's kinda like being in a relationship during trying times. Usually we all have a duration of time when we are being hopeful in a particular relationship for a particular reason or so.
My mind focused for a minute and contemplated the ups and downs I've experienced in my current relationship. (Of course this could be any sort of relationship between any two people not just romantic relationships) In this case, though, I thought of mine. We've been through cancer together. My man T (I'll just refer to him as T) in the last year to two years has battled bone marrow cancer. (Hodgkins Lymphoma Leukemia if I remember right, I keep getting mixed up), and it has been a tough year.
Well, without going into too many details, basically this quote above relating to HOPE, is exactly what I went through to make it. I waited. I watched. And I sure did work. Indeed it was worth it. In the long run, we don't know if we will remain in a relationship with each other, but we are sure good friends, always have been. Even now, these words are helpful for me. Wait. Watch. Work.
It's amazing their word power. Think about it:
Wait.
Watch.
Work.
What do you think of when you think of these words? I'm sure your mind is already moving in a few different directions. These words have power.
I HOPE whatever it is YOU may be going through at this very moment, that these words will help you today and in the future.
Have a hopeful and thoughtful Thursday! : )
Hugz,
Christy
"...Hope is a revolutionary patience; let me add that so is being a writer. Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up."
After I read this above, I started thinking about it. I decided to name it the 3 W's (wait, watch, work). I began to realize it's kinda like being in a relationship during trying times. Usually we all have a duration of time when we are being hopeful in a particular relationship for a particular reason or so.
My mind focused for a minute and contemplated the ups and downs I've experienced in my current relationship. (Of course this could be any sort of relationship between any two people not just romantic relationships) In this case, though, I thought of mine. We've been through cancer together. My man T (I'll just refer to him as T) in the last year to two years has battled bone marrow cancer. (Hodgkins Lymphoma Leukemia if I remember right, I keep getting mixed up), and it has been a tough year.
Well, without going into too many details, basically this quote above relating to HOPE, is exactly what I went through to make it. I waited. I watched. And I sure did work. Indeed it was worth it. In the long run, we don't know if we will remain in a relationship with each other, but we are sure good friends, always have been. Even now, these words are helpful for me. Wait. Watch. Work.
It's amazing their word power. Think about it:
Wait.
Watch.
Work.
What do you think of when you think of these words? I'm sure your mind is already moving in a few different directions. These words have power.
I HOPE whatever it is YOU may be going through at this very moment, that these words will help you today and in the future.
Have a hopeful and thoughtful Thursday! : )
Hugz,
Christy
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Hello and Welcome
This is a test to see how many people I may find out there who also suffer from similar conditions. I am referring to a condition I have and have always battled within myself. This will be a challenge for me to be so open and willing to put myself out there and see what sort of responses I may receive.
I hope to build a support group for others who suffer from similar or the like conditions. I have been diagnosed with severe depression and take meds for it. I've been on medication now since 2002 or 2003, I actually don't remember for sure. It's been at least 5 years though.
I have always had issues with suicidal tendencies and have always had to battle it 24/7 on a regular basis. The first doctor to put me on meds was actually surprised that I had survived as long as I have without any medication nor any counseling.
I hope that this blog will not only provide some help for others but for myself in my quest to do so for other people. I cannot afford counseling or any sort of measure that would help ... so I thought why not build a support team online? I hope this blog will be a draw for others to feel welcome to drop in and not only leave advice for others but also share anything that has either helped them or that they feel would indeed help others.
Let's be a group of people willing to reach out to others of our own culture and help from within rather having to find sources of help and funds necessary. Let's find a way to build from inside out. I can't afford such help so I'm hoping by reaching outward and by giving from my own inward resources - we can be a source of strength to each other.
I want to give back and be a source of strength at the same time building my own wall of strength. Whatta ya say? Wanna grow and make a difference from within our own resources? Please write in and let's become a source of strength from within our own walls of strength.
Let's love our own, others and anyone!
My Luv,
Christy
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