Feelings put into words...

So I'm reading this book titled, HOW I STAYED ALIVE WHEN MY BRAIN WAS TRYING TO KILL ME (by Susan Rose Blauner) One Person's Guide to Suicide Prevention.

I love love love this book so far. It has hit so much on the mark. The author has put into words what I have struggled putting into words for so long now.

This is crucial to share with others because I feel there may be others out there struggling the same as I have and as this author has in the past... and these words, having them right in front of me, breaks it all down into pieces so I may begin to work on each thing one by one. And it makes it easier to show to someone else and say, "See, here it is, this is exactly how I've been feeling only I didn't know how to put it into words."

Here's what I want to share:

..."Okay. We know that most suicidal thinkers don't want to die, they want relief from emotional pain. And we know that thoughts and feelings are just electrochemical impulses in the brain--the famous neutron superhighway. We also know it is possible to outthink the brain and find relief.

To make sense of life and how I reacted to it, I had to figure out my brain style--how my brain processed information. "Brain style" may be a strange expression, but it's the best way I know to pinpoint the culprit of suicidal thoughts. It's all in the brain.

This was my brain style:

1. An event would trigger certain feelings. These events could be as small as losing my address book or as big as having trouble in a love relationship. It didn't matter. Because of the PTSD, borderline personality disorder, and depression, nearly everything held the same weight.

2. Usually I would have a one- to two-day delayed reaction.

3. Suddenly feelings would surface, but I wouldn't know exactly what they were. I would quickly become overwhelmed, and the feelings would turn into anger.

4. Without a healthy outlet for anger, I would start to detach from myself mentally--from the feelings and/or the event (called "splitting"). Typically I would get very tired, and my mental state would become fuzzy.

5. The anger would begin to turn inward. Detachment would intensify until I lost my sense of self completely (my feelings snowballed). I felt isolated from everyone and everything. The world became good or bad, positive or negative. There was no gray area. All-or-nothing thinking would take charge.

6. Eventually I would feel so lost and angry that my thoughts would shift to suicide. It was the only way I knew to release the emotion. And in those moments it seemed to me to be the only way I could connect with myself.

It took twenty-five years or more to develop this style, so it didn't change overnight. Slowly I had to pick apart the cycle. I figured out my triggers, learned how to stop my feelings from snowballing, and became willing to make new choices and stick to them.

Most people don't have to think about how they deal with life. Suicidal thinkers do. Other people know it feels good to run a mile, look at their stamp collection, meditate, build a birdhouse, garden, do a crossword puzzle. They do these things instinctively. Their thought process is not: "I feel like shit. I'd better find some way to divert my attention and improve my mood before I fall deeper into despair." Their brain styles allows them to cope with stress and pain, like a car engine having enough gas and oil to keep it running smoothly. My brain was short on gas and low on oil.

By learning and practicing the Tricks of the Trade (in part 3), you'll acquire plenty of choices besides suicide for easing emotional pain. You will find the strength to stop the snowball from rolling you into oblivion. If the snowball starts to roll, you'll know how to get out of the way.